This is Ordinary

With permission and encouragement, because I've never done such a thing, I'm going to address a specific email here within an entry. ....so for you my friend, I'll try this direction and I imagine the comments from others will also be a difference in perspective and opinion. I  am after all just a voice of individual process, nothing more, nothing less ~ ~ ~ ~

Trust me, bad things have happened in my lifetime. Things I suppose I could allow to coil around my ankles and hamper my every move. I am human, and no where near immune to the facts of life. I can claim negative, sad, traumatic, horrid, depressing, frustrating, heartbreaking....and so on. If you are alive, you will have pain. That is truth. And the odds are on the fact, someone out there is dealing with something far worse then what you, I, see as bad.......

That is ordinary.

If I take a snapshot of just the last two months of my life, and applied it to conventional and acceptable process, I would have a "right" or "inherited" reason to be pissed, depressed, bawling, stressed and generally down. Truth in snapshot. ***after thought modesty removal***

I know sharing this much wasn't needed, but rather a perspective of my challenges. Now, you'll see that not all things are peachy keen in my world. I typically don't mention things like that because I do not desire sympathies, strokes, and dramatic infusion. It's not needed. But I can see why you may have thought I had the world in my hands. In a way I believe I do actually, but not the way you implied. Regardless of the issues I'm dealing with, I'm beyond thrilled to be alive and gifted another day to explore life. Simple, but good enough for me to feel grateful and appreciative of what I have.

So that's two months, all things I have absolutely no control over, and despite it all, I think today is a gorgeous beautiful day. Could that imply I'm rowing in a personal boat of denial? I don't believe so,I've had my sadness, my tears and allowed bad days to happen. Tis human to grieve, have a bad day, embrace a sad time. However, the bad things have happened, are still happening and I honestly believe playing victim over them is not the sort of direction growth, understanding, healing and greatness, in spite of it all, is found.

I wasn't always this way. There was a time that I basked in the glory of my past, my guilt's, and my glorious pains. Moments like that can be found in the archives of my journal. I haven't always made good choices, and have no doubt I will make more bad choices in life. I have rained hell down on my heart and mind just to sit and lick the very wounds I created. I own my choices, and I assure, I've done some terrible things in my life that I will continue to live with. But here's the thing, my past is my past, your past is your past....our historical realities...I see the difference between you and me, is the fact I no longer allow my past to define my future, whereas you let your past dictate your tomorrows mind set.

It seems only natural that one allows a yesterday to establish a tomorrow, but I encourage you to shift that mentality. We are the makeup of our history, but it's just crazy to allow such a thing as something that happened 10 years ago to effect your today. Let it go. I'm sure as you read that, your pain swelled up demanded and justified it's overbearing presence, but you can stifle that thought, I promise, by over ruling it's persistent need with a more powerful emotion called acceptance. You have to choose which you'd rather give the louder voice. It's yourself after all. Truth. No one could tell me a past issue that could warrant an entire life lived in day in, day out, pain and despair. No history is worth that self inflicted sentence. Reprogram.

You wrote that you have a hard time feeling happy for someone else who expresses happiness, greatness......that's your ego talking rather then your heart. Yes ego, because ego would rather think they are bad at something, just as you believe you are.  Trying to measure your own ego against another persons successes is a fruitless maneuver that will never bring you personal joy. We are far too individual, with individual lives to play 'theJones' against our family and friends. Those that do, are participating inan empty game that never ends.

The way I see it, everyone possesses that great and powerful concept of choice. There are those who have taken the 'bad' in their past, learned from it and although it will never be erased, they apply it in a positive manner to their future. And then there are those who allow a past to shackle their thoughts, behaviors and somehow feel justified bythis mentality. If you have convinced yourself this thought process is perfectly right and earned, try unconvincing yourself that it's not. Otherwise you choose to keep rowing that boat in the middle of the desert without water. Boats don't move very far in sand.

As for your greatness, I could mention several things I think are great about you. But I won't. This might hurt, but here's the deal. Anyone that needs compliments, or others to point out what's good about them, or fill their bucket of greatness is again rowing in a desert. For me to do that, is akin to giving you a quick rain storm. You need to fill your own lake with a wave of positive thought and changes. The notion of depending on others to do it for you is an unreliable source of personal nourishment. I see a hundred reasons you could feel confident in yourself, but you see a few past histories to drag you down......shift your focus, and believe in it. Once you do that, and I do compliment you, you'll actually believe me............

Each sentence I've written should have started with I believe.....and ended with, my personal opinion. I'm no therapist, but you asked for my opinions. Everything I've written is my personal view point. It's only truth for me, and suggestion based on my history and knowledge. I imagine it's made you uncomfortable and I will say, Good. Uncomfortable should inspire a change of position to find content. You deserve content, we all do. And when the next hard thing comes along, which it will, you'll be better able to handle it's motion. I believe in you my friend.........

And that is, just a thought~

**after note, the person I was writing emails with asked me to do this entry, and encouraged me to be be bold and honest. Their questions and thoughts weren't an attack on me personally. It's all good. Friend is well meaning and I hope this entry helped, rather then offend**

~Ness~

I was thinking this weekend that I wanted to start a revolution of some sort. Something swanky and worthwhile. Something that would require a theme song, a possible parade and perhaps something akin to fantastic parties. But then, I had to go and ruin it by doing some research on revolutions. Turns out, they are all rather violent and borderline revolt-ing.............

So I suppose I'll now settle for just finding a niche in life that will keep me swinging along with greatness.  ((But I still want a theme song))   I've decided since we are all bound for greatness, and I really believe we all have something extraordinary to claim in life, it's about time I discovered what my greatness is all about.

Claiming I have greatness does go against the grain of what is considered socially acceptable of course, so I understand some humility is in order here...... For some reason it's considered bad manners to coast along and say to another person, "Hey, I'm full of greatness, did ya know that?"

But, it is perfectly acceptable to say to another, "Oh, I'm a complete mess, life is rough and I'm drowning on a daily basis" That dialogue is A-Ok, but owning a piece of greatness is akin to arrogance, bragging or the Mack Daddy Deadly sin, Pride.

Why Is That?? Perhaps I'm the clueless one here and am teetering on the edge of black listing my journal. Either way I'm going for it.....

I publicly claim, that I have pride in myself. Gasp. There, I'm not deleting it, I've typed it, I have pride in myself and I'm quite certain I'm full of greatness, realized and undiscovered........I know I will never be the greatest at anything, no one really is, but I will find my greatness, I (everyone) deserve as much.

Now I just need to discover something worthy of my theme song and potential one lady parade. Since greatness comes in many forms, I figure the skies the limit for opportunity. I find questioning my motivation can simplify my direction. I know my greatness is not found in money, business, politics, religion, material things, and the standard American dream theory. But I desire fireworks and a sense of Wow, I did that.........somewhere around here, my unrealized greatness, is just waiting to be claimed.

I also know, that no one can guide me to my greatness, not the sort of greatness I seek. I can't compose a personal theme song if someone else writes the lyrics~~~ So now I just need a mission to accomplish. Whether it's climbing a Mountain I would rather not, swimming to the Ocean via rivers fromIdaho, starting a humanitarian cause, baking a cake that's not from a box, etc etc....... the opportunities are limitless.

Awhile ago I wrote something for myself. I wrote, " In a world scattered with broken glass, the love and support from my family and friends always keeps me safe. In a world abundant with fears and choices, I have always felt love was bigger then any mistake I have made. In a lifetime of opportunities, I have risked often, failed with grace and succeeded with humble gratitude. But above all, I have never known a single day without a hint of extraordinary."   

Now, I just need to add a touch of greatness to my journey.

Have you touched base with or more importantly, claimed YoUr gReAtneSs today?

Just (observation) curious~~

Self

It's been awhile I see, so I will brush off ordinary excuses and go with, I had been stretched out on my back, hands behind my head, staring up at the underside of my Iris plant watching the world drift along waiting for some gorgeous blooms.........until life reached down, gave me a resounding bitch slap and with that smack I've had to make a choice, crawl back under my soft zone, or emerge right along with the blooms.

So here I am, at all things ignored. I don't feel so well, in fact, I'm fighting off sad and would be perfectly content remaining silent and blissfully depressed. (For the season and reason of my grief, one could, if they wished to satisfy the curiosity factor, visit my other journal at Lavender Black ) But sad and depressed are different then simply quiet and observing, so movement is in order and this residence is one I can achieve progress.

I had to read something, a paper I wrote that will probably be the hardest thing I'll ever write, this weekend in front of 120 people. Public speaking is something I wouldn't say I love, but I've never been that evasive of it either. I've given classes, pulled of speeches, la de da, not a big deal, but this weekend I experienced a sensation I doubt I'll ever forget and it quite possibly scared me for life in the public speaking arena.

When I walked up to the podium, turned to face the crowd and introduced myself, I was as steady as could be expected. I had given myself numerous pep talks, internally bitch slapped my emotions so many times they were under check, and re-read the material ahead of time so much, I almost knew all 4 pages by heart.

Then I started to read. Somewhere in that very first paragraph I felt my fingers start to tingle, and that sensation continued with every word for 4 pages, to weave it's way through my entire body. The only part of me that didn't fail was my voice. I somehow managed to keep it steady and true the entire time, but by the end my entire body was shaking numb and I had to steady myself by holding the podium before attempting to return to my seat. The shaking was so horrendous, the people in the front row could visually see my struggle.......

I've now deemed my bodies traitorous reaction an internal implosion of emotion held so tight it had no where to go but within itself.  Which sounds much better then a possible anxiety attack, a meltdown of physical body control or a plain old panic of the third power. I expected near perfection from myself, and realize now how often I place unrealistic expectations on my own responsibilities, that I would never place on another soul. It was all rather surreal, but I survived and today, I'm again honored I had the privilege.

This is what I appreciate when bad things happen. People come together. Things like schedules and appointments, cleaning house and TV programs become ridiculously irrelevant. When bad things happen, focus turns from self serving to self sacrificing. People come together in ways, that one would think they would want or more importantly, need......all the time. Why is it so hard to maintain self sacrificing and holding people close during the ordinary week?  It is of great mystery to me.

I took a late night walk with my Father Saturday. He said something I haven't and won't forget. He said, "This is why I can walk down this street free from guilt, should haves and could haves. I was a good son, I told her I loved her often, I visited her every single week, I offered my help even though she never asked and I never expected anything in return. She did the same for me. I can live with that."

Body betrayal aside, I can live with everything I did as well. It's all good.